Merry Christmas and Blessings to all!

Today is another one of those days that can be very merry for some and miserable for others. Last night as I was celebrating Christmas Eve with some friends, I was reminded of something - We choose our thoughts and create our own reality. You see, I came home to an empty house last night and will be dealing with difficult family members today. I could easily drown in thoughts of loneliness and dread, and admittedly have in the past, but I've chosen to turn my thinking around and to be grateful for the fun I shared with my friends last night. Those positive thoughts will remain with and carry me through today as I gather with family.

My thoughts are with all of you who are in similar situations. You are not alone. Give the gift of happiness to yourself today. It's a choice you make for yourself.

The Joys and Sorrows of Single Motherhood

Life as a single mother has been a mixed blessing. From the moment I discovered I was expecting to the present moment, I've known a love for my son that only a mother can understand. Through all of the joys and sorrows, I hope that one day he understands just how much I love him and that I've done my very best to do the right things for him. I'm also far from perfect and have learned so much about myself and being a parent through him, as well as from my own experience growing up in a single parent household. Some of those pearls of wisdom are below with the hope that they provide comfort, strength, and resolve:

Love your children unconditionally. Children need to be accepted for who they are, not what you would like them to be or what you need from them. Your role is to be there for them and meet their needs. Those needs change over the years, so your adaptability and openness to those changes is key.

Being a perfect parent is impossible, especially as a single mom. Parenting a child is meant to be shared together by two. That is no longer the case, so don't try to fool yourself into believing that you can do it all. You can't and it's OK. Making mistakes is inevitable. Don't be too proud to apologize to your children when you make a mistake. You will teach them that you are not perfect, that it's OK not to be perfect, and about forgiveness.

Support your children's relationship with their father and don't badmouth your ex. Children need both a father and a mother. What happened between you and your ex has nothing to do with your kids. Don't put them in the middle or ask them to choose. They love you both and deserve to love both of your freely. If your children are in danger, that's another story, but do not take the law into your own hands. Do the right things the right way. Your children will respect you for that later.

Don't spoil your children to overcompensate for the divorce. This includes buying them everything they want and being over lenient. Give them tough love when needed. Children won't admit that they need it, especially when they are headed in the wrong direction. It's how they feel safe. You're not their buddy or enrolled in a popularity contest. Friendship with your children comes much later.

Only bring a man into your children's lives who is committed to you and is respectful of your responsibilities. Your children want you to be happy, but bringing every man you date home will only confuse and upset them. They also get attached and will hurt just as much as you do when he's not there anymore. Also, date on your own time. Your kids are your first priority. Don't make them feel otherwise.

Divorce Trauma and Drama

Divorcing my husband did not mean that I would escape the abuse. I was prepared for him to become even more enraged and that the abuse would become more severe because I was leaving him. That was indeed the case. Verbal and emotional abuse are the most insidious forms of abuse. Their effects cut very deep and are long lasting. At times I wished that he would just hit me so that I had the proof to do something to stop him. Protection from physical abuse is available through the court system with proof. Although my lawyer and those closest to me needed no proof, verbal and emotional abuse does not present physical evidence so protection is near impossible to obtain. I couldn't even protect my son from the storm of deliberate bad mouthing and bashing that he would face from his father. That was exactly how he intended to hurt me the most and the damage was real. I've chosen to take the high road all of these years and it's only been through time, and my son's own emerging understanding, that the wounds have the opportunity to heal.

Fortunately, I had already protected myself financially in previous separations and just needed to get him out of the house and a divorce settlement finalized. I was able to obtain a court order eventually to get him out of the house, but had to leave temporarily with my son in order to do so. Visitation and child support was established and, at that point, the only remaining issue was the sale of the house. The divorce was final a few months later and the house finally sold, but the abuse continued throughout those months in phone calls and at visitation drop off and pick up. Over time I got stronger and refused to take his verbal lashings by hanging up the phone or just ignoring him. That seemed to infuriate him even more until he finally crossed the line the day our divorce was final. On that day he threatened to kill me and left that message on my answering machine. He had guns and I was fearful that he had snapped, but I finally had the proof I needed. I was able to obtain an emergency protection order that day and a formal protection from abuse order was granted quickly after that for 18 months. Looking back, I don't know how I survived the whole ordeal, but it defined my strength. I had taken a stand for myself and said ENOUGH!!! This is what it took to stop him and, for the most part, it has. My ex still tries to cut me down and trip me up from time to time, but I shut him down right away and he knows not to mess with me.

Unfortunately, I hadn't completely learned my lesson yet. My ex husband's abusive style was overt. When I eventually entered the dating world, I would learn that, although I am strong and a survivor, I had not yet discovered and healed myself. I continued to attract the same type of man into my life - just different packaging and style.

Thanksgiving Blessings

Today, let's take a moment to reflect and give thanks for the many blessings in our lives. For some, the holidays can be a lonely, painful time of year. Hidden blessings exist even in those times. This is especially true in my life. I don't have a loving family or partner, but I do have what many others don't have right now - stable employment and the safety and comfort of a home. I also have a wonderful son, good friends, my health, and a bright future ahead of me. These are the things I choose to focus on and give thanks for on this day. The rest I release to the care of my Maker and the angels that lovingly watch over me. I trust that I am provided everything that I need. Many blessings to all.

Lessons from the married years...

The person I was when I married is no longer recognizable because of the abundance of lessons learned from my marriage and subsequent relationships. I was introduced to the man I would marry through a mutual friend and it was a fairy tale romance for a while. In reality, the illusions of romance were in my head and I chose not to see all of the warning signs that were right in front of me. This man swept me off my feet and I felt so loved and wanted while he courted me. The truth of the matter was that I felt sorry for his situation, loved being needed, and thought my love would save him. Lesson 1 - A woman's love can not save or change a man. I chose to marry an abusive man with drinking and mental health problems. Looking back, I can admit that I was insecure and attracted familiarity as a way to become aware of my own issues.

Things changed pretty quickly after the wedding and we entered into marriage counseling two months later. My blinders had been removed. We were able to work through some of those early bumps, but all the while I didn't feel that I could ever do enough to make him happy. Instead of cherishing and appreciating my efforts, he was very critical and demanded even more. I should have stood up for myself, but was afraid of being rejected and continued to comply. As a result, I allowed my self esteem to erode further. Lesson 2 - A woman deserves to be treated with respect. It is her place to command that respect.

Five years later, my biological clock started ticking. I wanted to have a baby and hoped that having a family would strengthen our relationship. Never ever will I regret the birth of my son, but let me be very clear - children put stress on a relationship. A strong relationship can handle those stresses. Ours could not and it was the beginning of the end. I had already given so much of myself to my husband and the increased demands on my time and energy led to resentment on his part. He became angry, began drinking more, and was abusive when I couldn't live up to his expectations. We separated for the first time when my son was two years old and reconciled within months. He had made life even more difficult while we were apart. Besides, I had promised myself that I would never get divorced. I did not want my son to be the product of a broken home like I had been. Our reconciliation was short lived. My husband's moods became increasingly volatile, he drank even more, worked sporadically, and couldn't sustain his promises to treat me better for more than a few weeks. We separated and reconciled yet again and even tried a fresh start in a new house.

After our first separation, more counseling revealed that my husband was depressed and that medication would help. It didn't. Eventually, he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and his psychiatrist suggested additional counseling to help us deal with the associated difficulties. By this point I was emotionally drained and my spirit nearly broken, but I was committed to our marriage. We agreed that he would pick the counselor. Actually, the counselor he selected was a blessing who helped me to gain the courage to leave. After months without improvement in our relationship, I decided that I had given all I could and couldn't do the work needed to save our marriage on my own. I had to accept that he did not want to change and resented that I was changing and growing. In addition, our home environment had become so emotionally toxic that it was no longer a healthy place to raise our five year old son. Over the next few months I worked with the counselor on my own to rebuild my self esteem and prepare myself for what was to come. I knew that life was going to be miserable for a while and was also concerned about of how far he might go to make me pay for leaving. As a precaution, I revealed my decision in the safety of the therapist's office. I was so proud of the strength I had developed yet fearful of the divorce nightmare that was about to begin.

Reflections on my college years...

It was my freshman year in college and, suddenly, I was completely on my own. Fortunately, I had a job as a waitress that paid pretty well in tips and a car. A place to live was an urgent need, so a friend where I worked offered me a room in her house to rent. Over the next few years I moved several times until I found a little apartment that was just perfect for me and my budget. As I didn't make enough in tips to fully support myself, my dad took over full responsibility for my tuition and my maternal grandparents provided furniture and other things that I needed to ensure that I stayed in school. That and they couldn't understood what my mother had done.

I was always close to my mother's parents. In many ways, my grandmother loved and took interest in me more than my own mother had. I was so fortunate to have her in my life until I was nearly thirty. To this day I still miss her unconditional love and acceptance. My grandparents were the only source of unconditional love I've known through most of my life.

The relationship I had with my dad was more of a struggle. My situation gave him the opportunity to make up for years lost, but I was no longer the little girl that he remembered. I was a young woman and that was hard for him to accept. He also struggled with the ability to provide emotional support, which as a young woman finding her way in the world, I so needed at times. My dad believed that being a good father meant providing financially. That was the way he was able to show his love. I truly appreciated that he was there for me in this way and I didn't take advantage. I was too proud and independent. The problem was that it came with conditions. When you give from the heart there are no conditions. Looking back, I know my dad didn't know any better and did the best he could. Unfortunately, I didn't receive emotional nurturing from either of my parents. They didn't have it to give. Over time I've had to learn to give it to my self.

More than seven years later I graduated from college. It took longer than I had planned, but I reaped the rewards of perseverance. Not finishing college was not an option. I had something to prove. By the end of my sophomore year, working full time at night, going to school full time during the day, and maintaining a place of my own had taken a toll. I was sick constantly and my grades were sub par. With my dad's consent, I made the decision to transfer to evening school, find a full time day job, and continue waiting on tables on weekends. Blessings followed. My new employer provided tuition reimbursement. I gained valuable experience in my field on the job. Most importantly, my grades improved substantially. Life was good again.

During this time I also found love with someone who would become my husband and teach me many more life lessons.

Thoughts on my childhood...

Honestly, I got the short end of the stick in my childhood. I know that every family has it's problems and dysfunction, but mine could definitely be the poster child!!! I was angry about it for a long time. As I've gotten older and have grown spiritually, I've taken a different perspective. I wouldn't be who I am today without my painful past and have chosen to forgive.

I was the first born of a narcissistic mother and a father who struggled with depression and drank to deal with his own emotional pain. My only sister was born a year later. Early memories of my father were of a man who took providing for his family very seriously. I remember that he could be silly at times and enjoyed getting involved in the projects that my sister and I had to do for school. Despite his own issues, I know I was loved and that he did the best he could to be a good father. Unfortunately, I didn't have my dad, and he didn't get to be my dad, for a good bit of my childhood. My parents separated for the first time when I was in third grade and ultimately divorced as I finished junior high school.

Being a mother myself, I've never understood my mother. It's not possible for me to have a relationship with her even today, but I have forgiven her. Her actions must be what allows her to survive her own pain. As far back as I can remember, I felt rejected and not good enough for my mother. She told me many times, in her own way, that I didn't meet her needs. Apparently, my sister did. Even though my sister got the favor and attention of my mother, she was impacted as well, just differently. When my parents divorced, my mother saw to it that she turned us against our father and did not allow us to see him. My dad fought for us for a while, but eventually gave up. He didn't want to drag us through the court system anymore and my mother was a force just too great for him to bear.

Growing up with my mother's controlling ways and unattainable expectations led to the first major parting between us in my freshman year in college. I was your typical teenager. I had a little bit of a mouth and was a tad rebellious at times, but I focused on trying to be perfect and ended up being an honor student through junior and senior high school. I never got into trouble. My sister, on the other hand, got into plenty and developed anorexia and bulimia. Needless to say, there was a lot of drama in our house. Understandably, my sister's troubles consumed my mother, but I was the one who caught all of the backlash. My sister eventually ran off and got married at 18. That left me at home and I think my mother had had enough of parenting. I had had enough of how she was treating me and told her so. Instead of trying to patch things up between us, she invalidated my feelings and told me to get out.

This was the start of a journey on my own and my dad's mission to try to make up for year's lost.

On feeling different...

From the time I was a little girl I remember feeling different and apart from my family. I look just like my mother and inherited many of my father's characteristics, so I know that I wasn't adopted. I read somewhere that we choose our parents long before we were born. Our parents provide our first glimpse into the lessons that we are meant to learn in this lifetime. In hindsight I've embraced that concept, but little did I know then that those lessons would be painful and plentiful. Throughout the years I've asked my Creator many times "Why me?". We're never given more than we can handle, right? Well, He must have great confidence in me because my plate has been consistently full. Yet it's been through those painful lessons that I've discovered who I really am and my life's purpose. After many years of searching, I found the answer. I'm an Earth Angel who's been called to serve others and share the message of love and light through my ongoing journey.

The first day of my blogging life...

Do you feel different from the rest of society, or even your own family? Have you struggled with relationships and finding your purpose in life?

The answers have been "yes" for me most of my life. The difference now is that I'm ok with that.

In this blog I will share my struggles, thoughts, and triumphs as a way of giving back. I've learned a great deal about spirituality, relationships, and myself during this journey and continue to learn more every day. If what I share touches the life of just one reader, this journey of mine will have been worthwhile.