Divorce Trauma and Drama

Divorcing my husband did not mean that I would escape the abuse. I was prepared for him to become even more enraged and that the abuse would become more severe because I was leaving him. That was indeed the case. Verbal and emotional abuse are the most insidious forms of abuse. Their effects cut very deep and are long lasting. At times I wished that he would just hit me so that I had the proof to do something to stop him. Protection from physical abuse is available through the court system with proof. Although my lawyer and those closest to me needed no proof, verbal and emotional abuse does not present physical evidence so protection is near impossible to obtain. I couldn't even protect my son from the storm of deliberate bad mouthing and bashing that he would face from his father. That was exactly how he intended to hurt me the most and the damage was real. I've chosen to take the high road all of these years and it's only been through time, and my son's own emerging understanding, that the wounds have the opportunity to heal.

Fortunately, I had already protected myself financially in previous separations and just needed to get him out of the house and a divorce settlement finalized. I was able to obtain a court order eventually to get him out of the house, but had to leave temporarily with my son in order to do so. Visitation and child support was established and, at that point, the only remaining issue was the sale of the house. The divorce was final a few months later and the house finally sold, but the abuse continued throughout those months in phone calls and at visitation drop off and pick up. Over time I got stronger and refused to take his verbal lashings by hanging up the phone or just ignoring him. That seemed to infuriate him even more until he finally crossed the line the day our divorce was final. On that day he threatened to kill me and left that message on my answering machine. He had guns and I was fearful that he had snapped, but I finally had the proof I needed. I was able to obtain an emergency protection order that day and a formal protection from abuse order was granted quickly after that for 18 months. Looking back, I don't know how I survived the whole ordeal, but it defined my strength. I had taken a stand for myself and said ENOUGH!!! This is what it took to stop him and, for the most part, it has. My ex still tries to cut me down and trip me up from time to time, but I shut him down right away and he knows not to mess with me.

Unfortunately, I hadn't completely learned my lesson yet. My ex husband's abusive style was overt. When I eventually entered the dating world, I would learn that, although I am strong and a survivor, I had not yet discovered and healed myself. I continued to attract the same type of man into my life - just different packaging and style.