Lessons from the married years...

The person I was when I married is no longer recognizable because of the abundance of lessons learned from my marriage and subsequent relationships. I was introduced to the man I would marry through a mutual friend and it was a fairy tale romance for a while. In reality, the illusions of romance were in my head and I chose not to see all of the warning signs that were right in front of me. This man swept me off my feet and I felt so loved and wanted while he courted me. The truth of the matter was that I felt sorry for his situation, loved being needed, and thought my love would save him. Lesson 1 - A woman's love can not save or change a man. I chose to marry an abusive man with drinking and mental health problems. Looking back, I can admit that I was insecure and attracted familiarity as a way to become aware of my own issues.

Things changed pretty quickly after the wedding and we entered into marriage counseling two months later. My blinders had been removed. We were able to work through some of those early bumps, but all the while I didn't feel that I could ever do enough to make him happy. Instead of cherishing and appreciating my efforts, he was very critical and demanded even more. I should have stood up for myself, but was afraid of being rejected and continued to comply. As a result, I allowed my self esteem to erode further. Lesson 2 - A woman deserves to be treated with respect. It is her place to command that respect.

Five years later, my biological clock started ticking. I wanted to have a baby and hoped that having a family would strengthen our relationship. Never ever will I regret the birth of my son, but let me be very clear - children put stress on a relationship. A strong relationship can handle those stresses. Ours could not and it was the beginning of the end. I had already given so much of myself to my husband and the increased demands on my time and energy led to resentment on his part. He became angry, began drinking more, and was abusive when I couldn't live up to his expectations. We separated for the first time when my son was two years old and reconciled within months. He had made life even more difficult while we were apart. Besides, I had promised myself that I would never get divorced. I did not want my son to be the product of a broken home like I had been. Our reconciliation was short lived. My husband's moods became increasingly volatile, he drank even more, worked sporadically, and couldn't sustain his promises to treat me better for more than a few weeks. We separated and reconciled yet again and even tried a fresh start in a new house.

After our first separation, more counseling revealed that my husband was depressed and that medication would help. It didn't. Eventually, he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and his psychiatrist suggested additional counseling to help us deal with the associated difficulties. By this point I was emotionally drained and my spirit nearly broken, but I was committed to our marriage. We agreed that he would pick the counselor. Actually, the counselor he selected was a blessing who helped me to gain the courage to leave. After months without improvement in our relationship, I decided that I had given all I could and couldn't do the work needed to save our marriage on my own. I had to accept that he did not want to change and resented that I was changing and growing. In addition, our home environment had become so emotionally toxic that it was no longer a healthy place to raise our five year old son. Over the next few months I worked with the counselor on my own to rebuild my self esteem and prepare myself for what was to come. I knew that life was going to be miserable for a while and was also concerned about of how far he might go to make me pay for leaving. As a precaution, I revealed my decision in the safety of the therapist's office. I was so proud of the strength I had developed yet fearful of the divorce nightmare that was about to begin.