Transformation and Rebirth

Has there ever been a time when your entire life was turned upside down? I've experienced major upheaval a few times throughout my life, but this time has been significantly different and touched virtually every aspect of my life. A friend shared with me that these times are ripe for major transformation and rebirth. During this time I just wanted the pain to end, but deep down I knew that her words were full of truth. I looked back and each time was able to see the more evolved person who emerged from the suffering. This time around, though, I opened myself to experience the gifts awaiting me in the present rather than hindsight. Knowing that a divine purpose is at work has helped to ease the suffering involved. I am very aware of the transformation that is taking place within me. I have even felt as though I'm starting my life over completely from scratch. Today is particularly meaningful as it is the date of my birth and the anniversary of the this major period of transformation in my life. I consider this very day in 2010 the date of my rebirth. My hope is that sharing this leg of my journey will provide those walking the same path with courage, understanding, and support.

In the fall of 2008 life couldn't get any better. That summer my son and I had taken a vacation together that brought us closer. I was experiencing more success in my career than I had ever imagined. A new joint custody arrangement and a more stable working relationship was in place with my ex-husband. My immediate family relationships were never strong, but there was momentary peace and calm. I've also been blessed with a handful of very supportive friends. Lastly, I had reunited with a man who I loved deeply and our relationship was progressing. Sound too good to be true? Indeed it was. Last February every last aspect of my life started to implode. Without my friends and deep spirituality, I don't think I would have survived.

Looking back, the change to joint custody has been both a blessing and a curse. I hadn't made the connection at that time, but this big change took place as my son started his secondary education and became a teenager. New schedules, disparate household ways, hormones, and greater responsibilities at school was an explosive combination. All of a sudden, my son, who had always been an honors student, was getting a terrible attitude, poor grades, and I was receiving regular phone calls from school about behavior issues. My ex provided no support for my role as a mother, undermined my every effort, and the verbal abuse started again. I shut down the abuse immediately, but the rest continued for several months until my son started to understand the ramifications of his own actions and began turning things around. Some of what my son has experienced is typical teenage growing pains. The rest is an unfortunate dose of reality. Living everyday life with his dad has opened his eyes - hence the blessing and the curse. I would have been wrong to try to influence him. These things he's needed to learned on his own. It's been hard to watch him uncover many realities, but I've been there, loved, and accepted him unconditionally every step of the way. I'm sure that he sees my imperfections as well, but through my own growth, I've learned that it's OK to be imperfect, admit when we're wrong, ask forgiveness, and move forward. I hope that my growth contributes to his. I do know that our relationship has strengthened through the chaos, I have become a better mother, and am grateful for everything my son has brought to my life. With regard to my ex, I've just learned to accept the situation for what it is, continue living by example, and stand firm in my beliefs.

In the fall of the same year, I was wrapping up a high-profile project at work that went extremely well, putting me in a position to search for my next assignment. Fortunately, the success of the project opened the door to possibilities that wouldn't have otherwise existed. After doing some networking and research, I discovered that an old career dream, that I had all but given up on, was still possible to achieve with support from my employer. I wanted to become a CPA (Certified Public Accountant). I had already met the educational requirements, but would have to pass a very difficult four-part exam and obtain specific work experience to become certified. I talked this over with my boss and the company was willing to support my efforts. Arrangements were made for me to rotate to the department necessary to obtain the required experience. I've been very grateful to be given the opportunity to live out a dream that has eluded me since college. My old department left the door open for me to return and the department I was joining asked for me to consider the possibility of permanent placement. I was so exited and started studying for my first exam, which I then took in January, right after I started my new position. At first, I thought this job would be a good fit for me, but quickly discovered that the work was grueling and the work environment "dog eat dog". This was not what I wanted for myself and I started to have doubts as to whether I would be successful in such an atmosphere. In addition, the week before my birthday I learned that I did not pass my first exam. I was short by five points and was so upset as I had studied so hard. Gathering myself, I began studying for the next part, and would pick this one up again later, but was also feeling overwhelmed with work demands, my sons problems, and the impending upheaval that I would soon experience in my love life. In April, the week before my next exam, I made the decision to put my dream on hold once again to focus on work and my son. In June, after a great deal of soul searching, I determined that this job was just not for me and approached my previous boss about the possibility of returning to my old department after the hours required were obtained. Well, I was blessed with good fortune. There was an opening and I returned to my old department in October - experience requirement met and no professional damage done. Since then I've recommitted myself to the pursuit of the CPA designation, passed the part I previously failed, took the second part earlier this month, and am on track to completion. The biggest lessons learned here were to really trust and be true to myself and to have the courage to speak up and ask for what I want. I'm still not sure where my career will take me once I'm certified, but I am confident that I will be guided to what is meant to serve my highest purpose.

The most transformative part of this journey has, without a doubt, been in the area of relationships with my family and men. Nearly three years ago I met a man that I fell for harder and loved more than any other man in my life. He was charming, outgoing, successful, funny, attractive, and a bit of an enigma. The effect he had on me was like no other. I discovered parts of myself that had not yet been explored and I felt a sense of freedom and spontaneity that brought out the most feminine part of myself. Needless to say, there were many things I was meant to learn from this relationship. I didn't see it then, but I allowed this man to play me expertly and put me down in ways that didn't register until I took a step back and had a chance to think about it later. Truth be told, he was my usual narcissistic, abusive, emotionally unavailable type and I allowed myself to fall for him hook, line, and sinker. The first time we dated I ended our relationship after seven months because of his emotional unavailability. We reunited nine months later and all signs pointed to our relationship progressing this time. I knew that he feared commitment and had been hurt badly in the past, but was encouraged that we continued to grow closer. By Valentine's Day we had expressed our love to each other and, at his suggestion, we planned for him to meet my son and the rest of my family for our shared birthdays. I was both scared and excited. He already knew about the situation with my mother, and wasn't bothered by it, but I was unsure of what to expect from her that day. The one thing I did sense was that this gathering was going to make or break our relationship. Relationships require risk taking and I knew that I had to take a chance without knowing the outcome. That was a new one for me. On our birthdays the first sign of things to come presented itself. I did not hear from him that day and called to leave a message wishing him a happy birthday. Oddly, he returned my call within minutes through voicemail. I did know that he was going to see an old friend that day. Actually, she was an old girlfriend who had hurt him badly. They had broken up years ago but had remained friends. He had told me that it was a tradition with them but really wished that she would leave him alone. Since our relationship was progressing so nicely, I believed and trusted him. When he called the next day, he wasn't himself and seemed distant. Sign two came when he showed up late and was out of sorts when he picked me and my son up for the party. Sign three came when we got there. My mother opted not to come. I was utterly humiliated, but chalked it up to her knowing she would want to put on a show for the sake of appearances, wouldn't be successful, and chose to avoid the situation all together. Sign four came when he disappeared without a trace for over three weeks after that night. When he reappeared he told me that he gets into a relationship and then can't go any further because he never knows when he'll be haunted by the past. He went onto say that he still wanted to be with me but couldn't commit to a full relationship. He still hadn't moved on and I was devastated. In mid April, I ended the romantic aspect of our relationship again, and because I cared so much about him, desired to remain friends. I just had too much respect for myself to continue romantically. Eventually, I accepted that friendship was not possible either and have since wished him well. I realize now that I fell in love with someone just like my mother again and was yearning for the love and acceptance that I never received from her. It's been quite humbling, but I clearly know now that love and acceptance comes from within. I have learned to give it to myself now and have vowed to never allow anything like this again. I've started dating again and have attracted a few similar men, but have been able to identify the warning signs quickly and walk away immediately. I'm learning, growing, and have taken back what belongs to me - my personal power.

Unfortunately, my resulting growth, acceptance of myself as an imperfect human, and the establishment of healthier boundaries has not gone over well with my family. Instead of love and support through this whole period, I faced harsh judgement, verbal abuse, and after a very painful encounter over the holidays, I have chosen to distance myself from my family. I can't give up who I am and who I am becoming for anyone and won't take the abuse any longer. I have given birth to someone who knows who she is, what she wants for herself, and is unafraid to love herself just the way she is at this moment! My family is just not capable of maintaining healthy boundaries and respecting differences, so I'm moving forward with forgiveness.

My journey is far from over, but one thing is for sure - I'm free, free to be me!!!

Adventures in Dating

There's much to be said about the opportunity to get to know one's self, and stumble on unresolved issues, through dating. In the years since my divorce, I've been fortunate enough to experience the richness of what love and relationship can bring. Although I've not yet met my life-long partner, I believe that I'm preparing to, and will, meet him by consciously choosing to learn and evolve as I navigate my own journey and the dating world.

Having grown up surrounded by narcissism, alcoholism, and the associated abuse and dysfunction, it was all I seemed to attract. The type was familiar and comfortable, like a pair of old jeans, but what I absolutely do not want in my life. After a disastrous marriage and three relationships since with my all too familiar type, I embarked on a journey of self discovery and personal growth. You see, the only control we have is over our own actions and we alone have responsibility for them. Blame is not an option. My relationships have facilitated a process of learning to love, respect, and accept myself, and establishing healthy boundaries. Those lessons won't ever excuse the actions of those who have hurt me in the past, but I love myself enough now to no longer allow mistreatment. That intention has been definitively set with the Universe.

Realistically, change is a process that happens over time with experience, patience, and commitment. Now after each date, I take time to go within myself, assess my true feelings and intuition, and take whatever next step is right for me to remain true to myself. It takes lots of practice, but if you really trust in yourself, you will be guided in the direction that serves your highest self. The ability and awareness to assess situations objectively and quickly avoids or ends involvement in unhealthy relationships. Over time I've learned that when I don't trust my inner compass, pain follows and I discover things about myself that I haven't yet learned or healed.

There are also other nuggets of dating wisdom that I've acquired over the years that I will share in a future posting.

Gratitude is an Attitude

No matter where we are in life, there's something for which to be grateful. It's easy to be grateful when life is good, but what about when life throws curve balls? Not so easy. Curve balls are meant to guide our growth - if we allow the message. The next time one comes your way, ask what you are meant to see and learn. Trust in yourself and you will be guided.

In adopting an attitude of gratitude in everything we do and experience, we can become more open, loving, and authentic. This is the purpose of our existence.

Take a gratitude inventory and adopt an attitude of gratitude today. If everyone on this planet could take one small step in that direction, the positive impact on our world would be contagious. Just imagine!

The Promise of a New Decade

Yesterday as I was reflecting on the past year, I realized that this New Year's Eve was more that the end of a year. It's the end of a decade. With each year comes a brand new start. This year brings the promise of a new decade.

At this time of year many of us make resolutions that we can't keep, not understanding that real change is a process that takes time and patience. Every year I promise myself that I will eat healthier, exercise more, and lose a few pounds. This year my resolution has a completely different intention. This year I promise to be my authentic self. What does that mean? It means being real and unafraid to be who I am. It means giving up illusions, not giving up yourself to be liked and accepted by others, and loving and accepting yourself completely. You are exactly who and where you are supposed to be at this moment. I acknowledge that it's a concept that's not easy to embrace. It requires commitment, patience, and forgiveness of others and ourselves. None of us are or can be perfect. The key when we fail, or others fail us, is to pick up, forgive, and move forward. You will never be where you started, you will see how much you have grown over time, and all else will fall into place.

In this New Year I wish all of you peace, love, and happiness!

Merry Christmas and Blessings to all!

Today is another one of those days that can be very merry for some and miserable for others. Last night as I was celebrating Christmas Eve with some friends, I was reminded of something - We choose our thoughts and create our own reality. You see, I came home to an empty house last night and will be dealing with difficult family members today. I could easily drown in thoughts of loneliness and dread, and admittedly have in the past, but I've chosen to turn my thinking around and to be grateful for the fun I shared with my friends last night. Those positive thoughts will remain with and carry me through today as I gather with family.

My thoughts are with all of you who are in similar situations. You are not alone. Give the gift of happiness to yourself today. It's a choice you make for yourself.

The Joys and Sorrows of Single Motherhood

Life as a single mother has been a mixed blessing. From the moment I discovered I was expecting to the present moment, I've known a love for my son that only a mother can understand. Through all of the joys and sorrows, I hope that one day he understands just how much I love him and that I've done my very best to do the right things for him. I'm also far from perfect and have learned so much about myself and being a parent through him, as well as from my own experience growing up in a single parent household. Some of those pearls of wisdom are below with the hope that they provide comfort, strength, and resolve:

Love your children unconditionally. Children need to be accepted for who they are, not what you would like them to be or what you need from them. Your role is to be there for them and meet their needs. Those needs change over the years, so your adaptability and openness to those changes is key.

Being a perfect parent is impossible, especially as a single mom. Parenting a child is meant to be shared together by two. That is no longer the case, so don't try to fool yourself into believing that you can do it all. You can't and it's OK. Making mistakes is inevitable. Don't be too proud to apologize to your children when you make a mistake. You will teach them that you are not perfect, that it's OK not to be perfect, and about forgiveness.

Support your children's relationship with their father and don't badmouth your ex. Children need both a father and a mother. What happened between you and your ex has nothing to do with your kids. Don't put them in the middle or ask them to choose. They love you both and deserve to love both of your freely. If your children are in danger, that's another story, but do not take the law into your own hands. Do the right things the right way. Your children will respect you for that later.

Don't spoil your children to overcompensate for the divorce. This includes buying them everything they want and being over lenient. Give them tough love when needed. Children won't admit that they need it, especially when they are headed in the wrong direction. It's how they feel safe. You're not their buddy or enrolled in a popularity contest. Friendship with your children comes much later.

Only bring a man into your children's lives who is committed to you and is respectful of your responsibilities. Your children want you to be happy, but bringing every man you date home will only confuse and upset them. They also get attached and will hurt just as much as you do when he's not there anymore. Also, date on your own time. Your kids are your first priority. Don't make them feel otherwise.

Divorce Trauma and Drama

Divorcing my husband did not mean that I would escape the abuse. I was prepared for him to become even more enraged and that the abuse would become more severe because I was leaving him. That was indeed the case. Verbal and emotional abuse are the most insidious forms of abuse. Their effects cut very deep and are long lasting. At times I wished that he would just hit me so that I had the proof to do something to stop him. Protection from physical abuse is available through the court system with proof. Although my lawyer and those closest to me needed no proof, verbal and emotional abuse does not present physical evidence so protection is near impossible to obtain. I couldn't even protect my son from the storm of deliberate bad mouthing and bashing that he would face from his father. That was exactly how he intended to hurt me the most and the damage was real. I've chosen to take the high road all of these years and it's only been through time, and my son's own emerging understanding, that the wounds have the opportunity to heal.

Fortunately, I had already protected myself financially in previous separations and just needed to get him out of the house and a divorce settlement finalized. I was able to obtain a court order eventually to get him out of the house, but had to leave temporarily with my son in order to do so. Visitation and child support was established and, at that point, the only remaining issue was the sale of the house. The divorce was final a few months later and the house finally sold, but the abuse continued throughout those months in phone calls and at visitation drop off and pick up. Over time I got stronger and refused to take his verbal lashings by hanging up the phone or just ignoring him. That seemed to infuriate him even more until he finally crossed the line the day our divorce was final. On that day he threatened to kill me and left that message on my answering machine. He had guns and I was fearful that he had snapped, but I finally had the proof I needed. I was able to obtain an emergency protection order that day and a formal protection from abuse order was granted quickly after that for 18 months. Looking back, I don't know how I survived the whole ordeal, but it defined my strength. I had taken a stand for myself and said ENOUGH!!! This is what it took to stop him and, for the most part, it has. My ex still tries to cut me down and trip me up from time to time, but I shut him down right away and he knows not to mess with me.

Unfortunately, I hadn't completely learned my lesson yet. My ex husband's abusive style was overt. When I eventually entered the dating world, I would learn that, although I am strong and a survivor, I had not yet discovered and healed myself. I continued to attract the same type of man into my life - just different packaging and style.