Today is another one of those days that can be very merry for some and miserable for others. Last night as I was celebrating Christmas Eve with some friends, I was reminded of something - We choose our thoughts and create our own reality. You see, I came home to an empty house last night and will be dealing with difficult family members today. I could easily drown in thoughts of loneliness and dread, and admittedly have in the past, but I've chosen to turn my thinking around and to be grateful for the fun I shared with my friends last night. Those positive thoughts will remain with and carry me through today as I gather with family.
My thoughts are with all of you who are in similar situations. You are not alone. Give the gift of happiness to yourself today. It's a choice you make for yourself.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
The Joys and Sorrows of Single Motherhood
Life as a single mother has been a mixed blessing. From the moment I discovered I was expecting to the present moment, I've known a love for my son that only a mother can understand. Through all of the joys and sorrows, I hope that one day he understands just how much I love him and that I've done my very best to do the right things for him. I'm also far from perfect and have learned so much about myself and being a parent through him, as well as from my own experience growing up in a single parent household. Some of those pearls of wisdom are below with the hope that they provide comfort, strength, and resolve:
Love your children unconditionally. Children need to be accepted for who they are, not what you would like them to be or what you need from them. Your role is to be there for them and meet their needs. Those needs change over the years, so your adaptability and openness to those changes is key.
Being a perfect parent is impossible, especially as a single mom. Parenting a child is meant to be shared together by two. That is no longer the case, so don't try to fool yourself into believing that you can do it all. You can't and it's OK. Making mistakes is inevitable. Don't be too proud to apologize to your children when you make a mistake. You will teach them that you are not perfect, that it's OK not to be perfect, and about forgiveness.
Support your children's relationship with their father and don't badmouth your ex. Children need both a father and a mother. What happened between you and your ex has nothing to do with your kids. Don't put them in the middle or ask them to choose. They love you both and deserve to love both of your freely. If your children are in danger, that's another story, but do not take the law into your own hands. Do the right things the right way. Your children will respect you for that later.
Don't spoil your children to overcompensate for the divorce. This includes buying them everything they want and being over lenient. Give them tough love when needed. Children won't admit that they need it, especially when they are headed in the wrong direction. It's how they feel safe. You're not their buddy or enrolled in a popularity contest. Friendship with your children comes much later.
Only bring a man into your children's lives who is committed to you and is respectful of your responsibilities. Your children want you to be happy, but bringing every man you date home will only confuse and upset them. They also get attached and will hurt just as much as you do when he's not there anymore. Also, date on your own time. Your kids are your first priority. Don't make them feel otherwise.
Love your children unconditionally. Children need to be accepted for who they are, not what you would like them to be or what you need from them. Your role is to be there for them and meet their needs. Those needs change over the years, so your adaptability and openness to those changes is key.
Being a perfect parent is impossible, especially as a single mom. Parenting a child is meant to be shared together by two. That is no longer the case, so don't try to fool yourself into believing that you can do it all. You can't and it's OK. Making mistakes is inevitable. Don't be too proud to apologize to your children when you make a mistake. You will teach them that you are not perfect, that it's OK not to be perfect, and about forgiveness.
Support your children's relationship with their father and don't badmouth your ex. Children need both a father and a mother. What happened between you and your ex has nothing to do with your kids. Don't put them in the middle or ask them to choose. They love you both and deserve to love both of your freely. If your children are in danger, that's another story, but do not take the law into your own hands. Do the right things the right way. Your children will respect you for that later.
Don't spoil your children to overcompensate for the divorce. This includes buying them everything they want and being over lenient. Give them tough love when needed. Children won't admit that they need it, especially when they are headed in the wrong direction. It's how they feel safe. You're not their buddy or enrolled in a popularity contest. Friendship with your children comes much later.
Only bring a man into your children's lives who is committed to you and is respectful of your responsibilities. Your children want you to be happy, but bringing every man you date home will only confuse and upset them. They also get attached and will hurt just as much as you do when he's not there anymore. Also, date on your own time. Your kids are your first priority. Don't make them feel otherwise.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Divorce Trauma and Drama
Divorcing my husband did not mean that I would escape the abuse. I was prepared for him to become even more enraged and that the abuse would become more severe because I was leaving him. That was indeed the case. Verbal and emotional abuse are the most insidious forms of abuse. Their effects cut very deep and are long lasting. At times I wished that he would just hit me so that I had the proof to do something to stop him. Protection from physical abuse is available through the court system with proof. Although my lawyer and those closest to me needed no proof, verbal and emotional abuse does not present physical evidence so protection is near impossible to obtain. I couldn't even protect my son from the storm of deliberate bad mouthing and bashing that he would face from his father. That was exactly how he intended to hurt me the most and the damage was real. I've chosen to take the high road all of these years and it's only been through time, and my son's own emerging understanding, that the wounds have the opportunity to heal.
Fortunately, I had already protected myself financially in previous separations and just needed to get him out of the house and a divorce settlement finalized. I was able to obtain a court order eventually to get him out of the house, but had to leave temporarily with my son in order to do so. Visitation and child support was established and, at that point, the only remaining issue was the sale of the house. The divorce was final a few months later and the house finally sold, but the abuse continued throughout those months in phone calls and at visitation drop off and pick up. Over time I got stronger and refused to take his verbal lashings by hanging up the phone or just ignoring him. That seemed to infuriate him even more until he finally crossed the line the day our divorce was final. On that day he threatened to kill me and left that message on my answering machine. He had guns and I was fearful that he had snapped, but I finally had the proof I needed. I was able to obtain an emergency protection order that day and a formal protection from abuse order was granted quickly after that for 18 months. Looking back, I don't know how I survived the whole ordeal, but it defined my strength. I had taken a stand for myself and said ENOUGH!!! This is what it took to stop him and, for the most part, it has. My ex still tries to cut me down and trip me up from time to time, but I shut him down right away and he knows not to mess with me.
Unfortunately, I hadn't completely learned my lesson yet. My ex husband's abusive style was overt. When I eventually entered the dating world, I would learn that, although I am strong and a survivor, I had not yet discovered and healed myself. I continued to attract the same type of man into my life - just different packaging and style.
Fortunately, I had already protected myself financially in previous separations and just needed to get him out of the house and a divorce settlement finalized. I was able to obtain a court order eventually to get him out of the house, but had to leave temporarily with my son in order to do so. Visitation and child support was established and, at that point, the only remaining issue was the sale of the house. The divorce was final a few months later and the house finally sold, but the abuse continued throughout those months in phone calls and at visitation drop off and pick up. Over time I got stronger and refused to take his verbal lashings by hanging up the phone or just ignoring him. That seemed to infuriate him even more until he finally crossed the line the day our divorce was final. On that day he threatened to kill me and left that message on my answering machine. He had guns and I was fearful that he had snapped, but I finally had the proof I needed. I was able to obtain an emergency protection order that day and a formal protection from abuse order was granted quickly after that for 18 months. Looking back, I don't know how I survived the whole ordeal, but it defined my strength. I had taken a stand for myself and said ENOUGH!!! This is what it took to stop him and, for the most part, it has. My ex still tries to cut me down and trip me up from time to time, but I shut him down right away and he knows not to mess with me.
Unfortunately, I hadn't completely learned my lesson yet. My ex husband's abusive style was overt. When I eventually entered the dating world, I would learn that, although I am strong and a survivor, I had not yet discovered and healed myself. I continued to attract the same type of man into my life - just different packaging and style.
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